Falling.

It takes a lot of courage to fall for someone once you’ve passed a certain point in life. It’s almost like jumping off a cliff, or taking a leap of faith. That fear is so immense that it could ruin you if you over-think it, but at the same time, if you don’t think about it at all, you’re on a one way road to having your heart broken.

“Passed a certain point in life.” What does that really mean? Here goes my fallible attempt to explain it – that point could be after being alone and mediocrely happy for the longest time, or after being in the longest love-hate relationship of your life. It could also be after having your heart broken in so many ways by the same person, or by several people. That point could also be after you have been betrayed by the person you thought you knew and love. It could also be after screwing up so bad, you feel like there’s no redemption. It may also very well be after trying so hard for so long, you’re just sick and tired of everything.

I think it’s called “falling” in love for a reason. You know how it is when you’re falling, that uncertainty, that fear? I think it’s the same when you fall for someone. All that emotion, and at the end of the fall, you hit the ground. There might or might not be something to break your fall, you won’t know for sure.

To be honest, I have long passed that point. I’m not that big on letting people in, because I know that at one point or another, they will leave, they will leave and they will take everything with them. That, right there, is the problem. You can’t fall in love without opening up, but opening up makes you vulnerable. So how do you know when and what is the right thing to do? Do I know when and what is the right thing to do? No, no I don’t.

There is not one thing in the world I hate more than feeling vulnerable and yet I’ve allowed myself to be in that state of vulnerability quite a number of times. Being with someone gives them the power to cripple your world, and love is trusting that they won’t, at least not intentionally. I won’t consider myself as young, nor would I call myself old, not yet. At my age, I should be loving fearlessly, loving with no regrets, be that as it may, I’m a bitter and sad person.

I fell in love 7 years ago and I regret nothing. It was the best 7 years of my life thus far, and then because I seek novelty in everything, we became so routine and I couldn’t stand for it. I did let him in and we shared a life together, we talked about our future and we were happy. He was the man I thought I would end up marrying and sharing the rest of my life with. He’s so smart, he has an eye for fashion and details, he likes the same things I like, he’s overly paranoid about everything, he has got our future all planned out, and most of all, he made me a better person. He loved me so much, he loved me when I couldn’t love myself, and he loved me at my worst and I love him, I always will. I had to ruin it, I wilfully asked for a break, thinking that a break might do me some good. I’m not sure if I regret taking that break, but I’m sure as hell sorry that it ended with that break. I tried fixing things, I cried, I apologised, nothing worked. Talk about that dreadful 7-year itch, I wasn’t even married.

Then came this boy (funny story about how we met, but I shall leave this story to next time), I wasn’t expecting anything more than just texting friends. I’ve always been cynical about meeting people online. See, I’ve never met him seeing that he lives a couple of thousand miles away from where I am. He’s charming, he’s so sweet and he is so cute, I kid you not. It sounds like he is too good to be true. Oddly enough, he finds me sweet and smart and cute, he believes that I am whatever I think I’m not and he makes me smile, every time. People say time flies when you’re having fun, we’ve been texting, everyday without fail since July. He talked about visiting me, and even pictured us together someday. I’m not sure if I would ever allow myself to be vulnerable with him, there’s so much uncertainty, I can’t deal with that. Maybe someday, if he’s still around.

Falling. I hope someone is at the end, waiting to break my fall.

– n.

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