How does anyone deal with break ups? I’m not sure if I’ve dealt with mine yet, but if this is not dealing with it, I can’t imagine how much more devastating it would be when I eventually deal with it. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this yet, and I haven’t really come to terms with it yet. I guess it is partly because we’re thousands of miles from each other, and well, he’s not replying to any of my texts or cry for help, and part of me doesn’t want it to end, at all.
I’m not sure how does one close a chapter like this. 7 years is a long time, 7 years of my teenage life. There are so many memories, so many things, so many words, I don’t even know where to begin to start packing them away. I’m not even sure if I can pack them away, hell, I don’t know if I am capable of getting over this man I’ve loved for years and years, through the good and the bad.
Some nights are extremely hard. Nights like these, I miss him a bunch. I miss having him in my life, constantly nagging at me about something I’m not doing, or something I’m doing too much. I’ve stopped crying, I’m not sure why, maybe because I still cling on to that glimmer of hope, that when he comes back, we can try and fix what’s broken and then live out our always and forever like we’ve always told each other.
Other nights are easier. I bury myself in mountains of overdue work, I occupy myself with senseless things like trying to make my resume look that much more professional, or coming up with lame spec adverts, or just gaming. I’m less unhappy with myself when I’m occupied, I also tend to feel less lonely, maybe it’s because I’m too busy to be thinking about how shitty my life really is. Or how I’ve screwed up the only good thing in my life.
Most nights I have buscoboy, but lately we’ve been fighting a lot. He makes me smile a lot. Maybe he’s novelty, maybe I do have a crush on him, I don’t know.
Sometimes I just feel like I’m done with relationships for a while, until that wave of loneliness hits me. Damn, does it swallow you and just makes you sit there in your bitterness. It also doesn’t help much that I don’t really think I have any friends I can really count on when it comes to the not so fun parts of life. I guess I’ll just do what I do best, whine a lot about it, and then bury it deep in the pit of my being. Okay, bye.