This one’s for you baby.

This is for all the times you make me smile.

I get scolded for smiling at my phone. My friends know that it’s you on the other side whenever I start smiling like a goofball. My friends think I’m weird for smiling at my phone so much. Sometimes when I walk down the streets, I would smile to myself because I thought of you, or because I saw something that reminds me of you. Everyday at about the time you would wake up, my phone would buzz and I would smile because I know it’s you. I don’t know how you do it, but you make me smile when no one else can.

This is for all the times you were there for me.

I know this is possible because we are in different timezones and the 12 hours gap between us makes it that much easier but thank you for all the times you were there for me. At 3am, when I feel like crap, I know I can count on you to talk me out of feeling like crap. When horrible things happen to me, I know you are there to listen and sometimes even help. When weird people post pictures of clowns on my facebook wall, you helped me delete them despite hating clowns. Thank you for being near even when you’re so far away.

This is for all the times you make me feel like I’m good enough.

You think I look amazing, even on my worst days. You think that I’m not fat, even on days when I can feel my tummy hating on me. You think that I’m smart, even when I can’t spell certain words. You think that I’m perfect, even when I know I’m not. You think that I’m pretty, even when I have no make up on and my hair bunned up. You think that I’m beautiful, even when I just woke up and look grumpy. You think that I sound nice, even when I have the sniffles and sound like a man. Because you think I’m good enough, I’m beginning to think that maybe yeah, I am good enough.

This is for all the times you make me feel loved.

You refused to talk to me, or at least tried not talking to me when I refuse to eat. You would nag at me when I refuse to sleep. You threatened to beat up this one guy who tried to take advantage of me. You got upset when I refuse to see a doctor when I’m sick. You frowned and nagged when I refused to take my meds. You thought about getting on a plane when I told you about the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. You threatened to beat up Indonesia for all the smog they were sending us, making it difficult for me to breathe. It’s these little things that you do. ♥

This is for all the times you think you’re right.

Tomatoes are one of the most tasty things in the world, but I agree to disagree you because that is how much I like you. Squirtle is not the best starter Pokemon, but I let you think that because that is how much I like you. Tulips are not daisies, but I let you think that tulips and daisies can produce a mixed baby because that is how much I like you. I am always right and I always win, but I let you think that sometimes you are right, and I let you win sometimes because that is how much I like you. :3

This is for all the times you go all apeshit geeky.

Watching rockets take off makes you incredibly excited. Star Wars and Star Trek makes you oddly happy. Everything that’s space related gets you beaming from ear to ear. You read weird articles that no one really reads.  You believe in science with so much passion. Merchandises make you very, very happy and you can’t resist buying them. Having internet at home again put you over the moon because that means that you can game again. To most people this might be insanely weird, but I think that it’s cute. Remember that time when you were worried that I might think that you’re more nerdy than you put off? You’re fine.

This is for all the times you make me fall harder for you.

Your smile is so contagious, it leaves me smiling the entire day. Your eyes, they shine brighter than the stars. The way you look at me, makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. Everything you do makes me adore you more. I know it’s hard because we didn’t planned on this, and I know you’re trying to take things slow because 9000 miles is more torturous than we thought it was, and I know that slow is agonizing because denying it makes it more difficult. Despite all of that, I know it’s worth it. I know you’re worth it. Someday, baby, someday. ♥

I dreamed about you, again.

I had a dream about you. Several nights now, I’ve been having dreams about you, about us.

The dreams were a fraction of reality and I know this because in my dreams, we were dysfunctional. We were not together, but we were friends — this part is obviously the other fractions of the surreal world inside my head because you refuse to connect with me in any way. But in the dreams, we were being us. Candid, blunt and comfortable. It felt good to be around you again, even if it was fantasy.

It’s weird because the dreams were reflecting certain things. Like in one of the dream, we were at my place and you were browsing my shelves for books. I was just sitting there, doing my own things while we had this conversation:

Jack: Is this a new book?

Me: Yeah, why?

Jack: -inserts girlfriend’s name- has been wanting to read this for the longest time, can I borrow it?

Me: No, she can get her own book.

See what I mean? It’s like something you and I shared, but you want to share it with your girlfriend too. I guess when you’re in Singapore, there isn’t much you can do differently when you’re in a new relationship, is there?

So anyways, this was all I could remember from this dream. In fact, this is all I can remember from the few dreams I’ve had about you. It was something along these lines; my dreams know that we are not together, but we’re just hanging out.

To satisfy the curious cat in me, I went to google what it means to dream about one’s ex and it says that I still have feelings for you. Of course I still have feelings for you, what are you talking about? I knew what I was getting myself into when I asked for that break, and I would still do it if I could turn back time. This is not about feelings or you, this is about me and what I have to do for myself.

I need to stop having these dreams, I’d much rather have nightmares than to have dreams about you. I’m going to watch American Horror Story right now to make sure of that. Okay bye.

Skinny Love

 

I was just listening to Bon Iver’s Skinny Love and I wondered how did this term skinny love came about, so I did a little poking around the world web web and this is what I found:

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1. Bon Iver’s Skinny Love is basically about how a love turned sour.
2. On that related note, skinny love, according to Justin Vernon, is a kind of love that doesn’t have a chance because it’s not nourished.
3. And finally, skinny love, according to urbandictionary.com, is when two people have feelings for each other but are too shy to admit it, but they show it.

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I think I understand the pain of skinny love, on all 3 counts defined above.

It is like having the life sucked out of you, and you constantly feel this hollow, heart-wrenching feeling at the pit of your core. You don’t know what to think, or what to feel most of the time. You want your love to survive so badly, just thinking about it feels like having the oxygen sucked out of your surroundings. You don’t know what’s wrong, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to make it pass that invisible barrier. You can’t fix it.

Then, there’s the kind of love that is too skinny to survive. You know it’s there, but you know that chances of it happening is slimmer than a strand of hair. You’re happy with it at the moment, because it makes you smile knowing it and you look forward to it everyday. It’s like you’re threading on thin ice, one wrong step and it will give way. Deep down inside, you hope that someday this skinny love would be given a chance to grow but until then, you’re contented.

You don’t have to spell it out, you know that it’s there because you can feel it, you can see it. You’re not sure if it’s real, or if it can last, but you know it’s there. There’s no need for labels, or explicit displays of love. You can tell by the little fights, and the things he says to you. The way he manages to make you feel like you’re the only one for him and all the times he made you smile without even trying hard. Despite all of that, it’s still skinny love because of several factors. All you hope for is someday.

You just really need to be in a position where you can change it, and make it better. Someday, someday indeed.

Come on skinny love, just last the year.